Be Honest About What You Want: The Subtle Dishonesty of Modern Dating

In the world of modern dating, we’ve all come to expect a little embellishment. Photos taken at just the right angle. Careers described with a bit more flair than reality calls for. Hobbies that were tried once but suddenly become “passions” in a dating profile.

But there’s a more subtle—and far more damaging—form of dishonesty happening, and it’s not about pictures or job titles. It’s about intentions.

I’m talking about the people who downplay their deepest values and life expectations at the start of a relationship, only to reveal—sometimes too late—that those very things are non-negotiable for them.

Take faith, for example. You meet someone who claims to be “open-minded” about religion. They assure you that they don’t expect their partner to share their beliefs. And yet, a few weeks in, you’re being casually invited to a church service—“no pressure, of course”—followed by lingering comments about how much it would mean to them if you came again. Suddenly, their “openness” looks a lot more like quiet hope that you’ll eventually come around—and maybe even convert.

The same kind of soft dishonesty shows up in conversations about children.

“It’s completely up to you,” they say. “I’m fine either way.”

But over time, you start hearing questions like “Are you sure you don’t want one more?” or “Don’t you ever miss having a little one around?” The pressure isn’t direct, but it’s there—subtle nudges meant to stir second thoughts and slowly wear down your boundaries.

Or take the topic of lifestyle and location. “I don’t care where we live as long as I’m with the person I love,” they claim. It sounds beautiful—until you realize they haven’t traveled beyond their hometown in years, their social life and comfort zone are tightly bound to familiar places, and they only leave their neighborhood when prompted by a special occasion. Suddenly, relocating or building a life somewhere new feels less like a shared adventure and more like an invisible wall.

Here’s what I believe: there’s nothing wrong with having strong desires about faith, family, or lifestyle. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner who shares those values and visions.

But there is something deeply wrong with misleading people about it.

This kind of dishonesty isn’t always loud or aggressive. Sometimes it comes dressed in politeness, cloaked in phrases like “It’s not a big deal…” or “I’m fine with whatever you believe…” But actions always reveal the truth. And the quiet expectation that you will eventually conform to their version of a shared life is just as heavy as a demand spoken out loud.

So here’s my simple ask: Be honest about what you want. From the start.

If you want children, say that. If your faith is central to your life and you ultimately want a partner who shares that journey, say that. If you know you’re never leaving the city you live in, say that.

Not only does this save time and heartache, it honors the other person’s right to make informed decisions about their own life.

And to those of us on the receiving end of these half-truths: Trust what people do more than what they say. Ask the hard questions early. And believe the answers you hear—even if they’re wrapped in charm and “we’ll see” promises.

Because in dating—as in life—it’s better to walk away from a mismatch than to walk deeper into a relationship hoping someone will eventually stop asking you to change.

Here’s to finding authentic and affirming love,
Mery

P.S.
Want to learn more about your dating patterns? I took Logan Ury’s What’s Your Dating Blind Spot? quiz—and it helped me understand my dating personality (maximizer) and how to grow toward healthier perceptions of relationships.

I also loved her conversation on the Diary of a CEO podcast and highly recommend checking out the show Later Daters if you’re exploring love and connection at any stage of life.

P.P.S
Below are a few pictures of my New York City solo date:)

Love a live Jazz band.

Spanish paella …YES.

Jazz… “is for ordinary people”

Coffee with a brownie…Oh, yeah.

About the Author
Mery Vieira is the founder of The LGLP Journal, a soft but strong space for healing, evolving, and stepping into your power. As a writer, brand strategist, and legacy builder, she shares honest reflections and practical tools to help women grow through life’s challenges and become the best version of themselves. Join the circle and connect on Instagram @theLGLPjournal